Reflections on sabbatical
Here is some of what I learned.
One of the gifts of extended time away is the opportunity to view life from the balcony. It’s easier to see patterns and trajectories from that vantage point than it is when days are more crowded with details and responsibilities. I didn’t have any dramatic revelations during my sabbatical, but I did either name, clarify, or commit further to some important realities:
I impose a lot of expectations on myself. This pressure often takes the form of creating work for myself, which is part of being both an Enneagram 5 who is curious about all the things and an entrepreneur always looking for different ways to serve my coaching clients. It’s essential that I am choosing work because it aligns with my purpose and values, though, not because I am reacting to anxiety (prompted by internal perfectionism and external grind culture) that I am not doing enough.
I’m in a time of transition. I have earned my Doctor of Ministry. The International Coaching Federation is making some big changes that will likely provide me with more openings to mentor current and emerging coaches, and I’ll need to decide how much of that work to take on. There will be more chauffeuring this year as my son has more commitments outside of school and as his afterschool program - which provided daily transportation to some of those commitments - has ended. And then there’s the whole perimenopause deal and the surprises that season brings.
The time is now to focus on my health. Mainly because of the physical changes that come with perimenopause/menopause, if I want long-term quality of life, I have to make and stick to adjustments now in terms of what I eat (especially as my cholesterol keeps creeping up), how I move my body, and how much good sleep I get. It is SHOCKING how much heavy lifting estrogen does in the brain, bones, heart, skin, gut - well, everywhere - and what changes when estrogen plummets.
Much of my stress and/or anxiety is not work-related. These feelings largely didn’t leave me during my sabbatical, and I didn’t dread coming back to my office, so work is not (usually) the culprit. There is all this [gestures to the world on fire, sometimes literally, around us]. But I think there’s something else at play too, and I need to spend some intentional time poking at it.
I didn’t slow down so that I could speed back up. It is absolutely a mark of privilege not to have to work more than full time, but I do not want to be so chewed up that I can’t be present to my family, myself, and my responsibilities as a disciple (which are not necessarily the same as my responsibilities as a minister - we can unhelpfully conflate work and calling and identity), neighbor, and citizen. But I must be careful not to jump back in with both feet and instead be thoughtful about what I say yes to and how I manage my calendar.
This sabbatical can’t be a one-off. For a long time, I didn’t think a sabbatical was a possibility for me, for the reasons I named here. (Limiting beliefs are powerful!) Now I know that it is, and I can keep up the disciplines that led to this one so that I have another in 2-3 years. The experience was too valuable not to repeat it.
The reframe from passive rest to active not-knowing is exactly what I see when sabbaticals actually work. The ones that don't tend to be spent optimising the pause. What you're describing here is something different: permission to let something unspool without giving it a direction. Thank you for writing this with specificity.